She Was Often Very Vile

Who I Am, and What I Am Going To Do

Caroline -

This is hard.

It wasn't that I was taught that it wasn't polite to talk about myself, exactly. It's that somehow I absorbed the notion that no one wanted to hear it. I manage to shoot off pithy lines on social media, occasionally, but anything lengthy is more difficult for me; or rather, more difficult for me to share.

I work in an office at a large university. It's not quite what I want to do for the rest of my life. My husband will soon begin his second year of law school, and we agreed that both of us in grad school at the same time would be less than ideal, particularly when one of us is necessarily there full time. So for the next two years I'll be biding my time, one way or another, until I can begin an MA program in English or creative writing. We'll see who will take me.

So it's important to have a plan for this time. Part one is something I hope to achieve if only because I dimly remember doing it in the past: regain control over my habits. I don't typically exercise, apart from my daily walks to and from work, which is not nothing but is also not much. I don't eat very well, or make my own food very often. I could do it, but I don't. I don't spend time writing as often as I'd like, though I read more than I did at this point a few years ago (the last time I decided to get my life together).

I'm not as healthy as I'd like to be, and I don't feel as good as I'd like to. If I'm going to get into any grad programs, I'll need a good GRE score. I need a plan. Here is the plan:

  • I'm going to get up every morning at 6am.
  • I'm going to then ride my exercise bike for 30 minutes.
  • I will then take a shower.
  • I will then prepare an easy breakfast and lunch to take to work with me.
  • I will bring to work: my breakfast and lunch, my GRE prep book, and materials for my next blog post.
  • I will eat my yogurt and fruit breakfast as I work.
  • I will take a lunch break. During that lunch break I will work on GRE prep for 20 minutes. I will also eat my lunch. I will also begin a blog post.
  • I will eat a protein bar in the afternoon while I work.
  • If I do not finish the blog post, I will take my laptop to campus after work, and I will work on it there until I have finished.
  • I will then walk home.
  • I will say the rosary, which has an effect on me similar to meditation.
  • I will work on the King Arthur novel for 15 minutes.
  • Only then will I have anything to eat. I will make my dinner.
  • I will only consume alcohol on weekends.
  • Otherwise, I'll do what I want.

It's out in the world now, and if there is one thing that works on my Catholic heart, it's shame. Hopefully I can trick-shame myself into following through.