The Birthday Party, by Harold Pinter
GOLDBERG: You're in a terrible humor today, Mr. Webber. And on your birthday too, with the old lady getting her strength up to give you a party.
MCCANN puts the bottles on the sideboard.
STANLEY: I told you to get those bottles out.
GOLDBERG: Mr. Webber, sit down a minute.
STANLEY: Let me - just make this clear. You don't bother me. To me, you're nothing but a dirty joke. But I have a responsibility towards the people in this house. They've been down here too long. They've lost their sense of smell. I haven't. And nobody's going to take advantage of them while I'm here. (A little less forceful.) Anyway, this house isn't your cup of tea. There's nothing here for you, from any angle, from any angle. So why don't you just go, without any more fuss?
GOLDBERG: Mr. Webber, sit down.
STANLEY: It's no good starting any kind of trouble.
GOLDBERG: Sit down.
STANLEY: Why should I?
GOLDBERG: If you want to know the truth, Webber, you're beginning to get on my breasts.
STANLEY: Really? Well that's -
GOLDBERG: Sit down.
STANLEY: No.
GOLDBERG sighs, and sits at the table right.
GOLDBERG: McCann.
MCCANN: Nat?
GOLDBERG: Ask him to sit down.
MCCANN: Yes, Nat. (MCCANN moves to Stanley.) Do you mind sitting down?
STANLEY: Yes, I do mind.
MCCANN: Yes now, but - it'd be better if you did.
STANLEY: Why don't you sit down?
MCCANN: No, not me - you.
STANLEY: No thanks.
Pause.
MCCANN: Nat.
GOLDBERG: What?
MCCANN: He won't sit down.
GOLDBERG: Well, ask him.
MCCANN: I've asked him.
GOLDBERG: Ask him again.
MCCANN: (To STANLEY). Sit down.
STANLEY: Why?
MCCANN: You'd be more comfortable.
STANLEY: So would you.
Pause.
MCCANN: All right. If you will, I will.
STANLEY: You first.
MCCANN slowly sits at the table, left.
MCCANN: Well?
STANLEY: Right. Now you've both had a rest you can get out!
MCCANN: (rising). That's a right dirty trick! I'll kick the shite out of him!
GOLDBERG: (rising). No! I have stood up.
MCCANN: Sit down again!
GOLDBERG: Once I'm up I'm up.
STANLEY: Same here.
MCCANN: (moving to STANLEY). You've made Mr. Goldberg stand up.
STANLEY: (his voice rising). It'll do him good!
MCCANN: Get in that seat.
GOLDBERG: McCann.
MCCANN: Get down in that seat!
GOLDBERG: (crossing to him). Webber. (Quietly). SIT DOWN. (Silence. STANLEY begins to whistle "The Mountains of Morne". He strolls casually to the chair at the table. They watch him. He stops whistling. Silence. He sits.)
STANLEY: You'd better be careful.
GOLDBERG: Webber, what were you doing yesterday?
STANLEY: Yesterday?
GOLDBERG: And the day before. What did you do the day before that?
STANLEY: What do you mean?
GOLDBERG: Why are you wasting everybody's time, Webber? Why are you getting in everybody's way?
STANLEY: Me? What are you -
GOLDBERG: I'm telling you, Webber. You're a washout. Why are you getting on everybody's wick? Why are you driving that old lady off her conk?
MCCANN: He likes to do it!
GOLDBERG: Why do you behave so badly, Webber? Why do you force that old man to play chess?
STANLEY: Me?
GOLDBERG: Why do you treat that young lady like a leper? She's not the leper, Webber!
STANLEY: What the -
GOLDBERG: What did you wear last week, Webber? Where do you keep your suits?
MCCANN: Why did you leave the organization?
GOLDBERG: What would your old mum say, Webber?
MCCANN: Why did you betray us?
GOLDBERG: You hurt me, Webber. You're playing a dirty game.
MCCANN: That's a Black and Tan fact.
GOLDBERG: Who does he think he is?
MCCANN: Who do you think you are?
STANLEY: You're on the wrong horse.